What Stories Are You Telling Yourself?

““Everybody agrees that a story begins with some breach in the expected state of things,” writes Jerome Bruner, the pioneer of narrative psychology. “Something goes awry, otherwise there’s nothing to tell about.” The story is the tool to resolve this breach.”

Bruce Feiler, Life Is in the Transitions
Resurfaced with readwise.io
I am fascinated by the power of a story. Older posts on this blog have frequent references to stories of my own to help make a point.
 
I picked this book up last week and started to read as I go through a personal health related transition of my own. It is already getting me thinking about the stories I tell myself as I face my own transition.
 
Why is this happening to me?
 
The story I tell myself affects my mind set, and how I approach my own treatment.
 
I have been lucky, in a perverse sense, to have friends who have been through what I am going through. One consistent piece of advice has been to focus on the positive. To understand that the treatment, while not pleasant is healing my body. That my body can heal itself as well. To welcome the medications into me, even when the side effects leave you feeling awful.
 
This is the story I am telling myself. I could be telling a different, more negative story, focusing on how unfair this all is. But where would that leave me? How would that help? Life has thrown me a curve ball. I can choose the story I want to tell myself. I choose to focus on the treatment, that it helps, and that I know people who are better now.
 
My challenge to you is to dwell on this quote. Think about the stories you tell yourself about what is happening around you.

The broader point of this book, bearing in mind I am early in its reading, is that we all face transitions in life.
 
We do not live life in a linear pattern: birth, school, work, marriage, family, retirement … in those areas we face transitions, for example loss of a job, death of a family member, or serious illness.
 
Whatever it is for you, pay attention to the story you tell yourself. Then think about the power of creating a different story. Would it help?
 

The Book

Friendships

“This is one of the things we rely on our friends for: to think better of us than we think of ourselves. It makes us feel better, but it also makes us be better; we try to be the person they believe we are.”

Tim Kreider, We Learn Nothing
Resurfaced with readwise.io

Today I simply want to share this quote. I don’t think it needs much explanation or discussion, particularly if you are lucky enough to have made strong deep friendships that last.

Metaphors

This is an obscure quote on which to base a post. Yet, it is the second book this year I have read about metaphor and how we use metaphors to think and communicate.

This second quote better captures what I want to say today on metaphors.

I rarely write notes about the highlights I make in a book – I am trying to get better at it – but I did for this one.

This seems like a key feature of facilitating a conversation. The type of thing I would do at work. Searching for the metaphor, or mental model, that a person is using. This is what I may be listening for. Then trying to play that back to them, and find coherence around the table.

When listening to an explanation, try to identify the metaphors they are use. Then consider why they chose that metaphor.

Be aware that often one metaphor cannot completely cover a topic, and we may need to use a second or third.


The Books

Work Well With Others

As a knowledge worker, your performance is dependent on those around you. Not just what is in your head and your specific skills.

In knowledge work it is what is in your head that matters, you are the means are production.

However to be effective, to be productive, you need to work effectively with others. Working well with others helps you get the most out of your knowledge and your skills.

Building strong lasting takes time and require a bit of give on your part. Be generous with your time and it will pay dividends.


The Book

Pay Attention to Verbs

The choice of this quote centres on the word “verb”. It is has come up a few times recently in my reading, both on how to write and communicate more effectively, pay attention to the verbs you use, but also in technology trends.

Technology is progressing from things, “nouns”, to services, “verbs”.

But mainly I think about verbs the most when I write for work. When I think about how to clearly communicate with colleagues.

Of all the topics I read on, I have been surprised at how much I enjoy reading about writing. I have read books on grammar, writing generally, and even screenplays.

So as you think about your next email, or the next document you work on, think about the choice of words, and how you construct you sentences.


The Books

Writing Challenge

For heath reasons I find myself with extra time on my hands as the year draws to a close. To keep myself occupied I have decided to set myself a writing challenge.

Every day I receive an email from https://readwise.io with a list of highlights from the many Kindle books I have read over the years.

Each day I will select one quote emailed to me, and use that to write a blog post of any length.

I started on Monday this week. It’s Tuesday today, and I am 2 for 2 … lets see how long I can keep this going.


Related Posts

Focus on the impact you can have to help avoid burnout

This is a slightly counterintuitive idea, that we don’t necessarily burn out from doing too much, but that we can burn out when the effort we put in appears to have no impact or little meaning.

I neared burnout earlier this year. Maybe I did.

When I read the above I realised that one of the reasons was that through lockdown I had become disconnected from the people I was putting all this effort in for.

There are a few reasons for that, not relevant to this post.

What stuck out for me is that I need to remain connected to the people I am putting the effort in for. This provides my energy and motivation.

The Usefulness of Boundaries

It helps to have boundaries. Say No to the things you will not do is as important as identifying what you will do.

We tend to believe that more choice is an option, when in fact the more choice we have the more we doubt the choice we make. This TED Talk by Barry Swartz on the Paradox of Choice makes this same point.

On that same basis he makes the argument that restricting our choices can make us happier.

The Competition Makes the Game – What Super Rugby is Getting Wrong?

I would remark after my arrival in the UK that you could watch more premiership football (soccer) in South Africa than you could in the UK. It was everywhere.

I am not a football fan. It used to bug me when it was all that was on TV.

Not being a football fan in the UK is a slight hindrance. When you are meeting people it’s good common ground and a great conversation starter.

However, the longer I lived in the UK the more I started to follow the competitions. I found myself wanting to watch Match of the Day on BBC on a Saturday night. This for a sport a don’t like. I hardly ever watched an entire game. But I wanted to know …

That this happened should not be surprising. A Ph.D. student visiting from the UK at the University of Cape Town had told me why a couple of years earlier. He was living with a friend of mine, and a Champions League game came on TV.

As I vented my frustration, he explained it is not about the game. It is about what this game means in the context of the competition. The result matters more than the quality of the match. Even then, as he explained to me what the result of this match would mean, my resistance dissipated. Dare I say it, I almost wanted to watch the game.

Back in the UK, I found myself trying to read the football results on the back of other commuters newspapers on the tube. His observation would keep coming back to me. Here I was wanting to know what had happened in the Premiership over the weekend.

I was hooked by the competition. By the unfolding story that the competition generates. I still didn’t like the game itself. But I was starting to like the competition.

The intrigue of who would qualify for the Champions League; who was fighting relegation from the Premiership; who was performing well in Division One hoping to make it into the Premiership; how had the team promoted last year performed? Up and down the league table there was a story to follow. And the games were the twists and turns in the story.

The matches progressed the story. The result of each match was a kind of choose your own adventure. A surprise result here and there and the script would change.

The hype and interest were about more that the game of football.

So what does this have to do with Super Rugby?

SANZAAR could learn a thing or two from by PhD friend. I am a member of the

IMG_6799I am a member of the Queensland Reds and have tickets to all the home games. I enjoy going to the games. But not for the quality of the match. I go for the company of the friends, and a beer in the stand. Suncorp Stadium where the home games are is a very easy stadium to visit. It is a good evening out.

It dawned on me that at each game this year, and last year too, I have had no idea where the Reds are on the league table.

There are a couple of reasons for that. One they are not performing well enough for me to believe they have a chance of winning.

The main reason though; the Super Rugby competition format is flawed.

I’ll explain why I believe that.

In short, it does not generate enough intrigue and interest and the top and bottom of the ladder. It does not form part of the underlying local competitions either. There is no qualification aspect.

The competition, as it is now, is split into a couple of conferences. I want to say three, but I think the proper answer is four.

This highlights my point, I don’t even know. I have to go look it up, and I don’t feel like it. I don’t pay attention to the league table at all. It means so little. It doesn’t reflect the performance of each team.

Each team in a conference plays each other home and away. And then each conference has a couple of games against some of the teams in another conference. No one team will play ever other team.

It’s a hairball competition format. It is too difficult to understand what is going on.

They create a combined log. But often the team in 6th place has fewer points than the team in 7th, but it sits there as it is leading the conference it is in. This is nuts.

Then we have the fact that all teams do not play each other. That means some teams are lucky and play mostly weaker teams, and some teams are unlucky and play the stronger teams.

This lack of fairness erodes the underlying foundation of a fair league. Some characters in the story have a harder journey than others.

The current format is two or three years old. Yet even before that, when it was Super 15 and all teams played each other, the competition was flawed. The sheer travel involved in a competition spanning the eastern hemisphere made it unequal.

But at least then, each team played each other once in the competition. Over a two-year cycle, each team would play each other home and away. You could understand where your team sat in the competition.

This simpler format made it interesting if your team was in the running. But a couple of bad games and you fell away.

A the bottom of the ladder, there was nothing to play for. You start going through the motions as a team and as a supporter.

There is no qualifying competition in Super Rugby. I think this is a shame. A missed opportunity. Super Rugby should support the local competitions, and be part of the local competitions. Not a separate “super” entity. They should be working together, not against each other.

Let us contrast that with a competition like the Premier League in the UK.

Even if your team is performing badly, there is the intrigue of relegation that makes the result of each game important. Which in turn makes the game itself worth caring about.

When there is no consequence to losing, the pressure and focus become the quality of the rugby. Very few supporters are interested in the technical intricacies of the game itself. Even fewer of us understand the rules of rugby. I’ll include myself there.

My point is that the game is interesting because of the competition. Because the competition creates the story in which the game happens. And it is the story that many supporters come to follow. When we understand the competition.

You could argue about the structures within each country, and for the development and expansion of the game. And you would be right. They all need attention.

For this post, I have chosen to focus on the competition format itself, and compare it another competition format. Which one has the better viewing numbers and the money to invest in the game?

SANZAAR set the format of the competition. They recently adjusted it, to try to fix it. But I think they have not fixed the underlying flaw. The new competition structure has fewer teams, but the same conference structure which lessens the overall competition.

They think they have fixed it. But they haven’t.

I’ll just call it like it is. The competition is boring.

If I have any facts about the structure of the competition above wrong, I apologise. Yet, it makes my point. I love rugby, but am not motivated to figure it out.

They should fix that.


sharks-logoIn the interest of disclosure, I am first and foremost a Sharks supporter. I have been from the age of 12. However, living in Brisbane as part of in a family from Brisbane, I want the Reds to do well. I also want to support rugby in Australia. The Rugby Union world needs a strong Australian rugby team. I need a rugby competition to go watch.